The Search



Humans are mundane animals, aren't they? I couldn't be saying this from an even stronger standpoint, because, I have the right of argumentative leverage here. 

We search for questions about life and what our soul seeks for, where happiness would be sought after? If buying the most expensive car doesn't cut it, if the most expensive beach vacation doesn't satiate you, or even if the perfect mansion doesn't give it you, where the hell can you find happiness? I am writing this as a confused kid staring at the horizon of life and being unwillingly mysterious about my future. I admit it, I don't know the answer. My mind leaves this question unanswered just like the scientists who seeks to find what is Dark Matter.

Do you wait for that clock to strike 7am and jolt out of your bed so that you can hurry to your office to be there on time. Funny isn't it - you live in a democratic society only to find yourself rushing towards a dictatorship environment inside your workplace. Everytime I look into that glared screen of mine and try supporting my customers with technical problems, I am thinking would these solutions help mankind with a pinch of care. Do I care? No I don't. I don't care if my client's motor stops working or if his software is riddled with bugs. I only care because, I get paid! Every second that I trade my valuable minutes on this planet for doing something that I can't accept, I am slowly dying those every minutes. My mind wanders every now and then. We are all biological robots. I am not disappointed with my work. Any normal person would love to have my job and remuneration. But, why don't I feel the same way? Am I not normal? Now that I think about it, haven't we all asked ourselves that question at some point of time?

One warm morning, I woke up and this time I decided not to rush for work. And that I am not going call in sick. I am not going to work from home. I would just call and say that I am not working today. That's it. It was a sudden decision and left me vaguely unsatisfied because I had no idea what to do. I walk towards my mirror, looked at myself for a good five minutes. I realized something, my eyes were not completely black. It's was actually slightly brown. My ears were awfully small. And thankfully no wirnkles around my eyes! I had never taken this much time to look in the mirror and appreciate who I was in a long time. I had always been locked away in the network of 'digitality'. Those five minutes of staring at the mirror made me look up and around in my room. I needed to get out. I put on my jogging clothes and shoes and walked out of my house. I looked around outside. Everywhere I had looked, I saw myself or perhaps a different version of myself. People who were hurriedly walking with their kids or alone. People straddling from their homes with half-closed tiffin boxes towards their cars. Kids who were having to carry their huge bags loaded with books without even realising that the answer to life's questions doesn't lie even in a single page of those books

I started giving my legs the ache by gradually starting my jog. From the jog, I ran. I suddenly ran out of breath. I knew this would happen. I had been really easy on myself for sometime. I didn't realise that I was making my body pay for my laziness. Even though my legs were starting to hurt, I didnt stop. I went ahead with what I was doing. How far can you push yourself? You may be famished, out of breath or even weak. But then again, you were never invincible in the first place. You push yourself. I pushed myself. I ran again. I felt my heart losing itself. I ran again. I ran until I could no longer lift my feet. I bent down gasping for every bit of breath I could draw in. I was starting to put my body in motion. I could feel it. 

I had arrived past a park which I never noticed to be so alluring. A serene meadow was in the backdrop of the park, bounded by a fence. Sheep were grazing the fields. I would see this sight almost daily when I used to drive past my workplace. But I had never witnessed this up so close. Nearby was a creek with water trickling along its end. Why hadn't I seen this before? Was I an idiot? There was no one nearby. I decide to jump the fence. At the most, I might be asked to leave the premises. But I had nothing to lose. I jumped ahead anyway. That jump came with a tiny rush of endorphin's. I walked past the fields alone, along the creek, up the hills and towards the highest point the way led me. I was tired and out of breath. But that view from the top of the hills was like no other. It was like I was watching over the city's people like a silent watchdog. No matter how ridiculous this sounds, I can't convey this feeling more precisely. Over my periphery, I could see a dog lying on the grass. Perhaps it might have been a sheepdog. But why didn't run over to attack me. Did it know that I was not there to attack its sheep? I walked towards the dog, with a dose of fear. But I wanted to do something that I hadn't done before. I grabbed a stick for my protection and gradually moved towards it. The dog didn't care for any of that. It was matured and pacific. I sat next to it carefully and petted the dog. Oh mother nature! How have you created such beautiful things in this world. It aches me when I see the world running behind sex dolls, plastic toys and Playstations. My heart was pounding at the touch of the dog that was beside me. Tears rolled down my eyes. But I was not crying. Rather I was happy. I couldn't hold it in. I let it be. I looked into the dogs' eyes and I could sense that even it might have been thinking the same. I threw the stick far into the creek and cursed myself for carrying it in the first place. The dog just stood up and jogged towards where the stick fell.

All I could think of doing there was to feel everything around me. I meditated. I could feel the different noises, the music, the horns, the rants, the rustling, the cries, the shouts and even the swaying breeze. You are every bit connected to this nature as like the sheep that grazes the field or the plants that dance with the winds. I could feel thoughts coming in to my mind out of no where. The things I did, the things I didn't do, the things I might have done wrong, the things I had done right, the people I love, the people i hate. That's when my mind spoke to me... "Your are just a normal human being as anyone else around you. And its ok." I opened my eyes.

As I walk down the valley, I kept contemplating. I knew that I have hurt people intentionally or unintentionally. But at the same time, I had made a lot of people really happy. My words on occasions had driven people out of depression. Not because, I googled some lines on philosophy or because, I could quote any religious verses off the top of my head. But simply because, I was there for people when they needed me. We always look forward to analytically downgrading ourselves, while we fail to realise the amazing deeds we have done for others. Once, you realise that even a single person on this planet depends on your emotional support, you will feel the will to move ahead. Because, you care about that person. It's love that binds people. It's love that creates thriving relationships. And it will always be love that keeps us happy forever. You would think its your new Gucci watch that keeps you emotionally satisfied. But... For until how long?

Past the park, over the bridge and down the alleys, I reached back to my community. Where humans live. I sat on a wooden bench next to another woman. She might have been a jogger too. I was still sweating and breathing heavily.

"Are you ok?", she asked.
"I am just tired from my run", I said.
"You must be dehydrated. Have some water", she passed me her bottle.
"Thanks. I forgot to bring one."
"It's a rookie mistake!"

I smiled at her. Speaking to a stranger was nothing new for me. But doing so, while I am completely exhausted was something not in my cards that morning. All throughout the conversation, my mind was not wandering anywhere. What I failed to realise was that she was my next door neighbour and the mom of two kids i careleslly saw that morning. Bloody hell! I didn't even know people around me,

As I got up and walked towards my house, I was in a totally different mental state as compared to when I had left my house. When I had started my morning, I was clueless. Now just within an hour away from my room, I knew what I wanted to do. I regretted not even once for taking my day off work for no reason. 

I walked into my room, prepared my morning cup of tea, sat on my drawing table and pulled my  personal notebook. I decided the things that I would be doing over the next few weeks. I wrote

- Help an elderly person with something or even their grocery
- Speak and compliment atleast one stranger a day
- Take care of yourself health-wise
- Meditate
- Write atleast once in 2 weeks
- Never fail to appreciate people who stood by you during all those ill-fated times. Cherish them
- Forget others who never appreciated your worth
- Only pick up your phone when its truly needed. 
- Hit up a random conversation with the person siting next to you in a bus or train. They crave human interaction as much as you do. They just don't know it
- When you walk down the street, while listening to your favorite song on your ipod - Just Dance! - then and there
- Appreciate yourself more!

Yes, I am am confused, I am imperfect, and yes I am human. 

The question is - are you a better person today than you were yesterday?



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I am the kind of person who continually keeps changing. Some call it restless. But I call it evolving with time. I am an Engineer by profession, a Coldplay fan and a pure Socialist at heart. I believe that one should not stop dreaming and that dreams install hope in this world

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